Monday, February 6, 2017

seek His face

i'm not sure where this post is going to go, it may be an encouragement to somebody, i'm not sure.

but, i want to talk about something that isn't necessarily easy.

something that is really important in our relationship with God, but isn't easy.

that something is "seeking"

to seek God and what plans he has.

to seek even when everything else is going wrong.

to seek means to attempt to find, desire to obtain or achieve, or to ask for something.

i find it hard to keep seeking in my relationship with God. to keep looking for the fire.

a lot of times as Christians we say that we lost our "fire". we lost what got us excited in the first place.

most of the time, the reason why we don't feel "on fire" for God, is because we stopped seeking.

but what if it just feels empty? what if when we seek it doesn't help?

don't stop seeking. if seeking isn't helping, don't stop.

what? that doesn't seem to make any sense.

i know, it's complicated, but you have to.

everything flows from seeking God. if we are looking for something else, if we are looking for a relationship, if we are looking for something to fill the void of why we don't "feel" God anymore, or why we feel so empty, it's not going to satisfy. nothing we try to fit in the place of God is going to satisfy. none of it is going to fill the hole, only God can.

seeking may not help either, sometimes we go through times that nothing helps, i've been there. 

just keep seeking, i promise it will help.

no matter what, keep seeking.

sincerely,
allie d.

Monday, January 23, 2017

in the weak and in the waiting

do you ever feel like nothing is going your way?  that everything is just going, well, wrong. 

it's like i don't know anything. my immediate answer to everything is, "i don't know"

it's like i'm okay, but i'm not. when people ask me if i'm okay, i want to say yes, but i don't know what to say.

lately it has felt like god has left.  and i'm just left here on my own.  that nothing good is happening and i can't figure out what i'm doing wrong or if i'm even doing anything right.

at the beginning of this month/this year, so many good things were happening. i couldn't keep up. i was thinking about how great this year was going to be and how excited i was. i was thinking maybe i had finally climbed the mountain, and i was on the other side.

until a week into the new year and then everything went down hill from there, or should i say up hill. (see what i did there?!)

everything i had believed in before had crumbled. all the strength i had, had diminished.

i was trying to look for something good in every moment, but i couldn't, because the more and more i did that, the more and more i ran out of strength.

i continued asking God to show me something. to show me a sign. for an answer, just so that i could know there's a reason to keep moving.

i feel like every answer i got was short, that He didn't even care about me. 

and i'm still looking for a sign or for a reason why i feel so abandoned, why i feel so alone.

i know that God didn't leave, but why isn't he moving? why isn't he working? why do i feel so empty?

i feel conflicted about how to act. should i think about everything? or should i just keep telling myself that it'll be okay, and forget about everything?

should i stop and think?

well, when i stop and think, when i stop to try and understand why i have all of these thoughts, i get lost.  i get lost in all of these worries and i can't stop focusing on myself. when i stop and think about me, i am consumed with worry and i become so stressed by everything that i'm going through.

i never really pay attention to myself and what i feel, i constantly think about others, it's just the way God made me.

i am almost always waiting for an opportunity to help someone and encourage them or care/love for them.

i've tried to stop feeling deeply for others, but i can't, it's the way i am, i can't change it.

if i'm consumed by my own thoughts and everything about me, won't i miss opportunities?

should i keep telling myself that it'll be okay, and forget about everything?

i'd be telling myself lies if i said that i was okay.  but am i okay?  is everything resolved and i just keep ripping everything back open again?

if i forget about everything, won't i just go through this again another time?

haha, i don't know. imagine that.

~

if you're going through this too, if you are waiting for something that feels hopeless, i can't say i can help you.  i can't say that i can help you through it.

because to be completely honest, i don't know what happens next.  i haven't climbed the mountain and gotten to the other side. i don't know what's on the other side.

but what i can say, is that through everything i've gone through, through every trial, i can tell you that God is faithful.

he doesn't forget anything about you, he loves everything about you.

most importantly, he knows whats best.

he's not going to forget about you, he hasn't abandoned you.

"you aren't always going to know what he's doing, but you can always know that he's doing something."

i really am just writing this to myself, and to anyone else who's going through the same thing i am. i am just assuring myself and you that everything is going to be okay.  because i believe that it's going to be okay.

"he's doing something behind the scenes. what we are feeling probably feels pretty bad. but there's something he's doing.  i believe that with all of my heart, for me and for you."

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

a little rant

i don't understand god's plan
i'm scared of not fulfilling it

i don't understand people
and why they say they're there for you,
but they never really are

i don't understand why i'm so sad
and i'm scared of depression

i'm scared of fear
and i'm scared of contentment

i'm scared of heartbreak
and i'm scared of loneliness

i'm scared of sadness
and i'm scared that happiness isn't happy

i'm scared of failure
and i'm scared of succeeding

i'm scared of staying stagnant
and i'm scared of the unknown

i'm scared of being comfortable
and i'm scared of being uncomfortable

i'm scared of hurt
and i'm scared of mending

i'm scared of uncertainty
and i'm scared of understanding

i'm scared of silence
and i'm scared of talking

i'm scared of you
and i'm scared of who i may become

i'm scared of talking about my feelings
and i'm scared of not being myself when i'm upset

i'm scared of being perfect
and i'm scared of not being perfect

i'm scared of temptation
and i'm scared of liars

i'm scared of honesty
and i'll i want to be is honest

i'm scared of change
and i'm scared when nothing's happening

i'm scared of being real
and i'm scared of being someone i'm not

i'm scared of feelings
and i'm scared of emotions

i'm scared of struggling
and i'm scared of really being ok

i'm scared of attention
and i'm scared of not being noticed

i'm scared of loving
and i'm scared of being insensitive

i'm scared of not being able to control
and i'm scared of being in control of everything

i'm scared of insecurity
and being secure

--

hey, this is just a piece of my mind right now.  i promise i'm perfectly ok, i just sometimes have to rant.  i want y'all to know that i'm here for y'all.  life is hard, i'm always here.

i just feel like i'm going through a hard time right now, i feel like i've waited so long for something that's never going to come.

i promise i'm ok

sincerely,
allie d.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

dying inside | you don't have to be alone

i know you're not okay
just stop acting
you can't do this on your own
you need me and i need you
just let go and let me know
what's bothering you
we don't have to be lonely
i'm here for you even if you're not here for me
because you're family
and you're gonna be alright
just let me hold your hand
through the emptiness
because you aren't supposed to carry those burdens alone
and i'm dying inside because you're believing the lies
that you're not enough

save me from the tears that are coming
because i cannot stand it any longer
just be honest with me
because i'm just a message away
i'm right here for you
just accept me
accept that i've always been here
but you've thought that you can make it on your own
stop pushing away reality
maybe i'll benefit from this too
just be honest with me
i can't stand to see you
broken and lost, lonely and sorrowful
because hope is right beside you, i'm standing right here
i've always been here and i'll always be here for you <3

sincerely,
allie d.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

she

she shut her eyes, squeezing them, and the tears came tumbling out.

she drove home, her mascara running down her cheeks.

the dark streets were empty, she was the only one out that late.

~

she walked in the small bedroom, and turned on the light, getting ready for slumber that she knew was non-existent. it was quiet and she was tired, she pulled the covers over her frail body, but sleep wasn't all that was on her mind, as she stared at the ceiling.

the sun was rising and the truth was, that she hadn't slept one minute. but her day was waiting, and she needed to practice her forged smile, once again.

she grabbed the wrinkled, long sweater and draped it over her shoulder, knowing that today was going to be hard, and her act wasn't going to last.  But she couldn't show the weakness and sorrow that was really in her heart.

if only there was hope for her, someone who could hold her hand, but she would have to let go to hold on, and she was too weak for that.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

honesty

what if everyone was honest
about their opinions and what they wanted

what if everyone cared
and everyone was sympathetic

what if you gave me a hug today
if i was hurting really hard
i didn't tell you what happened
but you knew me completely
to know something was wrong

what if everyone was friends
no cliques, no fights

what if giving up didn't exist
and letting go was all you could do

what if you were with me today
to stay

what if i knew what you were getting at
and we didn't have to fight

what if you told me that you loved me
and live that life

but god saw something different for us
it hurt me at first
but later i'll be glad

what if we didn't have to change
would i feel better then

what if you didn't say anything
but i knew weren't okay

but i already think that
every hour that you're away

what if no one knew
what hurt felt like

what if life was easy
and giving up was easy

but it wasn't
and it never will be
because you never intended it to be